Sharing the Burden
by laurzz
Summary: DannyLindsay. post-ep for 9x08. Danny pressed a kiss to her temple and she felt him inhale her scent softly. She felt the butterflies in her stomach and realised that she was only torturing herself and Danny by not letting him in to her hardest day of her life.


**My ability to even is non-existent right now. As I said on my twitter: perfect young Lindsay, perfect house, perfect Dad, perfect DL. Everything was perfect. We have waited so, so long for this episode and to me it was just perfect. The scenes with her friends killed me. When I found who was playing Lindsay, I went to youtube her and I absolutely fell in love so I have been literally dying waiting for this episode, and the adorable little thing didn't disappoint. I mean, literally, they even had one of the same people who played the mothers. She sat in front of Lindsay. I literally cannot with that. Can. not. I mean .sorry. I've just checked out. Zachary Reiter and I are definitely BFFS now. He even said he loves me more on twitter. He was joking, but let's cast that to the side for , I knew we were in for some good stuff, but seeing it playing out was flawless. Omg.**

**Now, I've got a driving lesson in 15 minutes and I'm still no where near ready so I best get my wiggle on. Hope you guys enjoy this! Huge thanks you to everyone who read last week's post ep! I hope you guys liked it. Special cupcakes to: Montanascreed, xoLiannexo, MesserFamilyFan100, CTI-Jenn, gigglesforcsi, Catty, Loveshipper, brendanakai, ck, hope06, 18lzytwner, saderia.**

* * *

_And he's sitting by her bed in the hospital ward and their daughter walks in with a family of her own._

_- Tea and Toast, Lucy Spraggan._

* * *

She could hear her husband's footsteps a few seconds behind her's, and her little girl's a few seconds behind her husband's. Usually they would be walking together but she didn't want to waste another precious second.

The phone call from her father had shattered her heart and brought her world crashing to a halt all around her. It was something that she had prepared herself for, but she had never really thought it would ever come. She'd always thought that she would be much older. She'd hoped she'd be older. She felt like she needed more time with her Mom. She had spent so many years living thousands of miles away now, that things that had made sense at the time, didn't anymore. Why had she moved so far away from her Mom? And her Dad? But her Mom? How was she supposed to grow into a mother without a mother of her own? She was still very much learning the ropes and often relied on her mother being on the other end of a phone line, armed with answers to Lindsay's ridiculous questions.

But now… it seemed that those ridiculous questions that plagued Lindsay Messer at the most inconvenient of times would never get the seemingly simple answers that she so often searched for.

Pushing herself through the doors of her destination, she let out an extended breath that she had been holding since she had entered her boss's office, requesting leave for both her and her husband. She could handle many things alone, but this was something that she couldn't tackle by herself. She needed him by her side; along with her little girl.

She turned and glanced over her shoulder at her pillar of strength, standing right behind her as he offered her a reassuring smile. He turned to their bouncy four year old and smiled brightly, despite his sombre mood just below the façade he was plastering across his face. Suggesting chocolate milk from the canteen, Lucy squealed excitedly as she jumped on her little converse clad feet, reaching up for her father as she bounced.

Lindsay took a deep breath as she watched her husband and daughter walk away from her; although she needed their support, this was one thing she had to do alone. She needed time with her mother and father before the Monroe family was reduced considerably in its size, and Danny had known that. The benefits of working together, she thought; they were one mind at times, knowing exactly what the other needed, or what the other was thinking. She knew he wouldn't be too long in the canteen with Lucy. Just long enough to let her emotions out away from the watchful eyes of their little princess.

She burst through the doors of the private room and felt the wind being knocked from her chest as her eyes focussed on her mother in the bed. She felt her throat closing and she felt the tears spring to her cheek. The last time she'd seen her mother, she had been so healthy and happy… and now she was a shell of her former self.

"Lindsay," Robert Monroe whispered, standing from his seat next to his wife. "Oh baby, you made it."

Lindsay blinked back her tears as she fell into Robert's arms and wept against his chest. The sight of her mother had shocked her. When her father had told her that her mother was sick… really sick, Lindsay had been in denial. She'd reeled off sentences like, 'medicine is so advanced now, Dad, we've nothing to worry about.' And 'she'll get better… it surely won't be as bad as you think.' And what had turned out to be her one she always fell back to, 'It's Mom though, Dad… she's a fighter. We really don't have anything to worry about. She'll get better." She had known, deep down that she was trying to reassure herself… but looking at her mother made her realise that denial had been a destructive path to take, because rather than preparing herself, she had been convincing herself that everything would be okay… and things were far from okay.

"Where are Dan and Lucy?"

"In the cafeteria." Lindsay replied quietly, "They went to get Lucy chocolate milk."

"Mac let you both have time off?"

"There were no questions," Lindsay said quietly as she trained her eyes on her mother. "Is she… awake?"

"Debatable." Robert sighed as he pulled a chair towards his and sat down before gesturing for Lindsay to sit down next to him. "She's in and out but she's not very… with it."

Lindsay nodded thoughtfully. "I only just made it,"

"You're here," Robert whispered, clasping a hand over Lindsay's, "She knows… and that's what matters."

"I should have been here sooner," Lindsay said, hanging her head sadly. "I should have taken off work… I should have been here to help… to look after her."

"Hey, hey," Robert chastised before pulling her face towards his so that he could get eye contact. "Don't you be talking like that. You know how much she loves you and how proud of you she is. She wouldn't have wanted you to drop everything and move your entire life out here like that. Your home is wherever that precious baby girl is and wherever that wonderful husband of yours is. She's happy that you're well looked after and happy. That's all she's ever wanted for you."

"But I wasted so much time that I could have spent with her."

"You haven't wasted it, Lindsay. You were busy raising a family. You can't be a homebird all your life, you needed to spread your wings and fly, which is exactly what you did. You knew where the nest was and you came back. That's all we've ever wanted; to see you now and again. The pictures you sent her kept her going for so long, Lindsay, you need to know that. She loved everything you sent. The emails, the photographs… the apartment listings you looked at. She felt she was with you in New York. You kept her spirit alive far longer than any form of medicine or treatment could have. She lived for you, Lindsay. "

"It all seems so stupid though. Why is she giving up the fight? Doesn't she know that nothing's changed? I still need her, Dad." Lindsay sniffled. She let her tears fall freely for a few minutes as she debated taking her mother's hand. She didn't want it to feel different to what she was used to. So many times she used to tug away from her mother in the store, sighing as her hand was squeezed tight… but now, Lindsay would give anything in the world, short for her own daughter, to go back to that moment and bask in the feeling of her mother squeezing her hand protectively.

"I know it's hard, sweetheart, but all good things end."

"Why now though?" Lindsay whimpered. "I'm so scared that I'm going to miss her Dad, I'm so scared."

"I know," he sighed heavily. "I am too, honey. She's all I've had for a long, long time. She's my first love and my only love, she's the mother of my children and my best friend all rolled into one. I don't know how to be me without her. It's going to take a long time to adjust to her not being here."

"I need her," Lindsay whispered, taking her mother's hand. It was smaller and seemed colder, but she could still feel the protectiveness in her grip. "I can't let her go… I'm not ready, I still need her."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Robert Monroe sighed heavily. "I knew this was going to be one of the harder things I've had to do in my life." He said softly. "Telling you about your mother. Lindsay, if I could take her place, I would in a heartbeat. I know how much you need her, honey… but she needs to go to sleep. She's held on for so long that she's tired. She's been sick a long time."

"I know," Lindsay whimpered. "I just… I never thought today would be a today. I always thought it would be tomorrow."

"And it's tomorrow today." Robert said softly. "I'll go and find Lucy and Dan; you take as much time as you need." He said as he pressed a kiss to her temple. "I'll be right outside once I've found them."

Without even being able to protest, Robert stood from his seat and left the private hospital room, letting Lindsay process her swirling thoughts. She took a deep breath and scooted her chair closer to her mother.

She opened her mouth and then promptly closed it again. She didn't know how she felt about talking to her Mom in a comatose state. She had sat next to victims and patients in the hospital when they were asleep… but never her mother. Sighing heavily, she opened her mouth ready and prepared to fight her emotions.

"Hi Mom," she whispered. "Daddy called, told me what was going on. Lucy's just with Danny in the cafeteria… I didn't think she'd… well." She paused to collect her thoughts. "Listen, I don't really know whether you can hear me, but I just want to tell you that I love you. You have no idea how much I am going to miss you… I don't know whether I can do this without you. I mean, I know Daddy said that you loved the apartment listings and photographs but that was me wanting your approval. I always ended up picking the one that you liked the most… and as it turns out, what you always picked for us was the best. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do all the things that I do without you? I know I don't see you often, but knowing that you're there and I can get on a plane and you'd be there at the airport to pick me up is always a reassuring thought. What is going to be my reassuring thought now if you're not here? I'm scared… I'm scared about how much I'm going to miss you. I know it'll get easier but…" Lindsay took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I know you held on until we got here, thank you," Lindsay said as she pressed a kiss to her mother's head. "I think I can hear Lucy, give me one second, okay, she's probably giving Danny hell; I'll go get her. Hang on, Mom," She sighed softly. "I love you,"

Standing from the chair, Lindsay quickly made her way to the door, opened it and stepped outside, ready to grab her little girl. As she bent down to collect her bouncy four year old, the door shut behind her. Scooping the little girl into her arms, she placed her on her hip and just as she reached for the handle of the door, she felt her heart sink as she heard a sound she'd heard countless times on television and in movies… but never in real life. She swallowed as she opened up the door and pushed it open. With one look to the monitor, Lindsay didn't need a doctor or a nurse to confirm her worst fears… her mother, her Mom… her Mommy, was gone.

She lowered Lucy to the floor, and a confused Lucy was instantly picked up by Robert and placed on his hip as Lindsay crumbled to the floor. Before she reached the tiles however, two strong arms hooked themselves around her waist and clutched her tight as he brought her back to her feet. She could feel her legs shaking and she silently thanked him for being there to catch her when she needed him the most. She felt him turn her in his arms and she buried her head into his chest as his strong arms enveloped her in one of the tightest hugs he'd ever given her. It was almost as if he was trying to shield her from the pain. She felt his tears hit the crown of her head and together, husband and wife sobbed for their first loss as a family.

* * *

Lindsay was brought from her day-dream with the sound of the cup being placed in front of her, filled with her favourite kind of tea, made perfectly by her doting husband. She could see the concern in his eyes and was gearing herself up to reassuring him that everything was okay.

And she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him that Daniel Katums nearly hadn't made it to his own execution because she had nearly killed him herself. She wanted to tell him that her Dad had wanted her to stay longer. She wanted to tell him that she wished she had let him come… but the words just wouldn't leave her mouth. She wanted to let him in, but she'd spent so long keeping people out of that part of her life, even him, that she'd effectively closed herself off. It was something that she had seen and lived through and she couldn't bear the thought of someone she loved seeing the same things that she had. She couldn't imagine Danny feeling the things that she felt, and she didn't want him to, because even though it only made him love her more, she was scared that he'd see her at her most vulnerable.

"Lucy really wanted to catch you but she just had no chance," He chuckled in an attempt to break the silence between them. "She drew you a picture though, big plot twist; I swear the kid's gonna be an artist or something." He smirked, but something about his smirk wasn't quite the same. "How was your dad? Still fishing?"

Sighing heavily, Lindsay took his warm hands and wrapped them in her smaller, cold ones. He rubbed her hands in his, and brought them to his lips to blow warm air at them. She smiled lovingly at the gesture and leant forward to press a kiss to his forehead.

"You know I'll be okay, don't you?" She asked, softly.

"Yeah," he replied instantly, and the smile on his face faltered; blowing his cover instantly. "Honestly? I don't know, Linds."

"You don't know?" she smirked with raised eyebrows.

"You never returned my call Linds."

Letting go of his hands, Lindsay laced her fingers through her hair before folding her arms and placing them on the table and laying her head down on top of her makeshift pillow. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry, hey, come on." Danny whispered as he tried to get her to sit up. "Baby, no I don't want you to be sorry… I want you to talk to me. I know you say you don't need to, but come on baby, I was there, I know what happened… you can tell me."

"You weren't there," she whispered. "Nobody was there Danny,"

"I meant in the courtroom that day," he said, defeatedly. "I know you were by yourself when it happened."

"I was," she nodded. "And nobody can stop the ache I have here," her voice was muffled from her sweater she'd worn on the flight, but based on the hitch in her voice, Danny knew the emotions of the past forty eight hours were getting to her.

"I could give it a good go though." He whispered in the general area of her ear, hidden by her hair. "Linds, let me in."

"I can't." she whispered.

"Why though?" he implored as he started to move her arms and turned her body to face him on her chair. "Lindsay, you can't deal with this by yourself anymore. It's eating you up… don't you see that?"

"Do you remember when we went to Montana?" she asked softly, her eyes a little glazed as she focused on his face. "When my Mom-"

"I remember," Danny nodded as he felt the resounding thump from his mother in law's passing. Although they had only met a handful of times, they had shared many conversations over the phone and he'd quickly fallen for her charm.

"That was the easiest thing I've ever had to do," she said, "Asking Mac for leave for the both of us. I wasn't even sorry we were going to leave him short staffed for goodness only knew how long. On the plane, I didn't let go of your hand once, did I?"

He shook his head. "Not the best when you have a fussy four year old," he chuckled at the hideous plane ride Lucy had created. "But I didn't let go of it once."

"You squeezed it tighter," she recalled the memory.

"I did," he nodded. "But why are we talking about this?"

"My Mom was something I needed you for. I needed you to physically be there." She said. "I couldn't do it on my own."

"I know," he whispered. "I wouldn't have let you do it on your own."

"When I went to Montana for the trial though, I had gone alone." She said. "We weren't in the place where I could let you know about this big burden I had on my shoulders. At the time I thought you would have run a mile in the other direction."

"I probably would have given it a good go." He nodded in agreement. "I understand why you didn't tell me the first time… but Linds, we've been married for years now. Your burdens are my burdens, babe. You know that… we're in this together. I love you, and no matter what, I'm always going to be there, whether it's holding your hand or ready to catch you from behind. I'll protect you in any way that I can if you'll let me, you know that."

"I do," she said, taking his hand in her's and running her thumb over his skin. "But I couldn't let you save or protect me," she said softly. "I needed to do this alone. I needed to heal by myself. I needed to be just Lindsay, a younger version of myself that battled with these emotions over the past twenty years. I needed to make sure that I healed properly and I didn't hold back. I couldn't be Mommy or Montana this time."

"I understand that, baby." He pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose, "But Lindsay, there comes a time when you need to unload some of that baggage onto me. I'm ready and waiting."

"I don't know how," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "Danny, I'm really tired. Can I go to bed? We'll talk about this tomorrow… I promise. I just, right now it's too much."

"I'm sorry," He whispered as he let go of her hands and stood from his chair. He moved her's out from underneath the table and helped her stand up. "You go get into bed, have a shower… not in that order."

Despite herself, she smiled. She took a step away from him but stopped and turned back to look at his face. Worry was etched in every inch of his face. She moved her hand to his cheek and gently stroked the stubbly skin with the pads of her fingers. Feeling his familiarity under her fingertips made her calmer. She'd had a lot of anxiety the past few nights… days too. But now, standing in their kitchen with him, things didn't seem so bad.

"I'll go get a shower I think," she whispered. "Wanna come?"

He shook his head, "I'll do your laundry."

"My dad already did." She chuckled. "It's nice to see how you both look after me."

"Well it's a hobby we both enjoy." He smirked. "You go ahead, I'll catch up."

She looked at him curiously before heading off in the direction of the bathroom. She stopped just short of the doorframe and blew him a kiss which he caught and playfully pocketed for later. He watched her disappear into the bathroom and he sat back onto the chair with his phone in his hand. Taking a deep breath he quickly searched through his phonebook for the long-distance number, glad about the fact that Mac paid his bill… perhaps not for too much longer if he carried on with the long-distance phone calls, he mused, as he listened to the ringing of the line.

"Hello?"

"Hey Robert, it's me."

"She's home then?"

"Yeah, she got home about twenty minutes ago."

"How is she?"

"Honestly?" Danny sighed. "Not good. She's quiet."

"She was really quiet the whole time she was here," he said. "She wasn't her usual self."

"When is she ever when that fuckin' douchebag is involved?"

"I'd scold you about speaking ill of the dead but…"

"This one is justified. They could have saved an injection if they had let me into the room with him for five minutes." Danny spat. "I'm worried about her, Rob."

"I know," Lindsay's father sighed. "So am I… I even went as far as trying to get her to think about staying longer… give herself more time. She just had to get back though. She didn't say anything, but she missed you, Danny."

"I missed her too." He sighed heavily. "I missed her a lot. I couldn't stop thinking about her."

"Where is she now?"

"Shower," Danny explained. "She's fixin' on going to bed, I think. Long day."

"Long week," Robert added. "She'll let you in eventually, Danny." His tone was softer than Danny had possibly ever heard it. "She just needs time."

"I know," Danny sighed. "I just want her to let me make it better for her. I hate seeing her like this. I hate that she had to see that. It's not fair that she lost everything like she did."

"The kid hasn't had it easy, that's for sure," Robert sighed. "but she's a fighter."

"I think you mean stubborn." Danny joked.

"We missed out on that opportunity of making her middle name stubborn."

"It's definitely something that comes with her," Danny smiled, "She's a stubborn little thing, but God I love her."

"She loves you too. I'm gonna go. Give her and Lucy my love."

"I will," Danny promised. "Thanks for lookin' after her this week."

"Thanks for lookin' after her when I'm not there to." Robert returned. "It's reassuring to know that you wouldn't let anything happen to her."

"I'd take a bullet for her… oh wait." Danny's teasing tone rang down the line. "I already did."

"Alright, alright," Robert chuckled, "Bye, Danny."

"Bye."

* * *

The hot spray did wonders on her back and releasing the tension from the day's events. It was cleansing her and even though she could still feel the heavy burden weighing heavily down on her, it was safe to say that she was beginning to appreciate the fact that she was home, with Danny just a shout away.

She heard his mumbling voice over the sounds of the shower, and even though he tried to be discreet, she knew that he and her father had planned a whole handing off conversation with one another. After she'd checked in and said goodbye to her Dad at the airport, she'd gone to get her phone from her purse. The first sign that he'd been snooping was the fact he'd put it back in a different place to where she always kept her phone. The second clue was when she slid her finger across the screen of her iphone, it showed up with Danny's cell phone number. Although she figured it was a huge hint that she should call him, it was now becoming clear that Robert had been searching for Danny's cell phone number; bypassing their landline just in case she intercepted their top secret phone calls about her welfare and coping mechanisms no doubt.

She felt a draft on her skin and turned to see a very naked Danny slipping in the shower behind her. He wasted no time in pulling her slippery body towards him and closing the distance between them.

"How's my Dad?" she bit her lip as she fought the smile on her lips as he grabbed her shower wash and began lathering her up, even though she'd just finished her bathing.

"How did you know?" His voice hitched in his throat.

"You're about as subtle as a baby elephant in a China shop… the both of you."

"Busted," Danny chuckled against her neck as he massaged her breasts from behind while pressing kisses against her neck. "It's only because we care and we're worried."

"I know," she breathed as she leant back on Danny and appreciated his ministrations. "I know I'm lucky to have you both."

"We love you," he whispered as his hands slowly made their way down her body.

"That's all well and good, " she said as she reached out and stopped his hand on her stomach and held him still. "But we need a change in conversation if you're going to do that…"

"Have I ever mentioned how sexy you are?" he whispered huskily in her ear.

"Not today," she bit her lip.

"No?" He implored as he turned her around and lifted her up, pinning her against the wall of the shower. "Allow me to show you in that case."

* * *

Fully sated, completely clean and without a doubt worn out, Lindsay collapsed on the bed, dressed in her pyjamas. She had a feeling of wholeness that was taking over her as she watched Danny dry himself off and change into his regular sleeping sweats.

Their lovemaking in the shower had been exactly what she needed. She'd needed to feel cleansed, loved and complete… and where better to cleanse oneself than in the shower? Danny had done a good job of cleansing her as well. She had needed his love and his touch to remind her of who she was before she was reminded of her past.

As he settled on the bed, he turned on his bedside lamp and shuffled down next to her, enveloping himself in the pillows around him.

"Feel better?" he asked, a sleepy look plastered across his face.

She nodded with her own sleepy smile.

"Good," he sighed happily as he raised his arm up, gesturing for her to settle in her usual place on his chest just before they went to sleep. "It was weird not sleepin' with you last night." He said softly as she laid her head on his chest. "I felt like something was missing. A whole chunk of me was just off…" he paused. "I realise now it's because you took it with you to Montana."

"And what might that be?" she asked, looking up through her eyelashes.

"My heart," he winked at her.

"You could write a cheesy romance novel with those one-liners you've got going on there." She smirked.

They fell into silence and Lindsay could feel the steady rise and fall of Danny's chest as he drifted off to sleep. She pressed a series of kisses to his chest and she could finally feel the words bubbling out from her lips. She needed to tell him. She was going to tell him.

"He said he was sorry," she whispered; the laboured breathing stopped and she could feel him stir underneath her. She turned her head slightly and met his concerned blue eyes. "That's all I've ever wanted from him. For him to admit what he did. I mean, apologising doesn't bring them back, and really no apology in the world could fix the void I have, it doesn't leave me feeling so angry and bitter anymore. That's what I needed."

Danny pressed a kiss to her temple and she felt him inhale her scent softly. She felt the butterflies in her stomach and realised that she was only torturing herself and Danny by not letting him in to her hardest day of her life. He loved her with every fibre of his being and she was being downright stupid for thinking that he would be nothing but supportive and loving. She had just been so hell bent on getting what she needed and doing it in her own way that she hadn't stopped to think that Danny had lived through this with her. He had waken her up when she'd been tossing and turning; crying for Lucy, Caroline and Kelly. He was the one that he held her hand when the words 'guilty' had been read. He was the one that had wiped her tears when she'd been told of Daniel Katums and his first appeal, and the second, and the third. He was the one that loved her unconditionally.

"I needed you there," she whispered. "I should have let you come to hold my hand."

"I was there," he whispered. "I just told you, you took me with you. I'm always with you. Right there," he said softly as he laid a hand against her chest, hovering over her heart. "I know you had to do this alone. I desperately wanted to come. I even had Mac put me on flex hours so that if my instincts kicked in and I felt like you needed me, I could be on the next plane out… but something held me back. I was even toyin' with the idea of flying to Montana and flying back home with you, but then I figured that you needed that time to be by yourself. I had a sneaky feeling that's when you were going to cry all your tears."

Lindsay's lips curled into a smile. "You know me well."

"Of course I do, you're my wife." He said.

"I'm glad I went and did it how I did though," she said. "I'm glad I got what I needed."

"Did you?" he asked, lacing his fingertips through her's. "Did you get what you needed from it?"

She thought about it for a moment before nodding. "I think so."

"Good," he whispered. "Now you can focus on remembering them for them. Not for what happened to them. You can tell me the rest tomorrow… or during the night if it gets too much, but try get some sleep okay?"

Lindsay nodded as she nuzzled his chest and let her eyes flutter shut. She thought that it would haunt her, seeing the last look on Daniel Katum's face when he took his last undeserving breath, but now, all she saw was the fourteen year old version of herself with her friends, carefree and happy.

She cracked an eye open and glanced up at Danny, whom had his eyes closed and was quickly drifting off to sleep with her wrapped up tight in his arms.

Life hadn't worked out how she thought it would, but despite all of that, something inside of her told her that regardless of that, she had ended up where she was supposed to be.

* * *

**Thanks for reading guys! Hope you liked it. if you have a spare moment, I'd really appreciate the feedback! :) **


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